Push, Pull and Slide

My family and I spent the past weekend Christmas shopping in Bangor. It's a three hour ride from our house which in itself is nothing as we are all pretty used to being in the car eleven or twelve hours a few times a year traveling each way to and from New Jersey to visit my family. But as a driver, one encounters the same things on the highway regardless of how long the road traveled is. As I was driving this past weekend, I decided that I would splurge on my next vehicle and get three options that will certainly make any drive I make on the highway easier.

1. The first extra that I am going to order is the trillion candlepower high beam option. As I get older, I'm starting to have a harder time driving at night. With less light, the lines on the road and other hazards are harder to see. With the trillion candle power high beam option, the road will be lit up like the sun was half the distance from earth. The lever on the dashboard would carry a warning that the special glasses that came with the vehicle need to be worn and the high beams won't engage until they are. Upon flipping the lever, a loud "FWUMMMMMMP" signals the artificial daylight. I'll no longer have to worry about driving at night and hopefully the fire in the brush on the side of the road caused by my headlights will burn quickly.

2. Another option I will definitely be ordering on my next vehicle is the vaporizer. There are too many times when I'm cruising up the highway only to encounter a slow moving vehicle in the right lane. Now that in itself isn't a problem unless there happens to be another slow moving vehicle in the left lane. I am a firm believer that you keep right and pass left, but obviously, not all drivers adhere to the unwritten rule of the road... although is most states in the United States, there are written rules about driving in the right and left lanes. Anyway, as I pull up behind a vehicle moving slowly, or moving at any speed less than I am moving, I can use the vaporizer to clear the way so I can resume the speed at which I was previously going. The vaporizer is activated by turning a knob on the dashboard. Next to the knob is a label warning that the vaporized vehicle will reappear at a later time. The time in which the vaporized vehicle reappears is determined by me and would depend on how bad the other driver is... by my standards of course.

3. The last option that I will be putting on my next vehicle is a transporting device.Ever notice how the trip going is always so much easier than the trip returning? At the start of every return trip, I always wish that I could just be home. The vacation has ended... the concert is over... the family visit is done... the fun part is over and I never want to make the return trip. A button on the dashboard next to a warning label of course, will start the transport mode of the vehicle and dematerialize the vehicle and its occupants and beam us home. Of course trip length will vary... the transportation from my friend's house will take 2 seconds... the trip from Bangor 38 seconds and the trip home from my mom's in New Jersey will take 2 minutes and 46 seconds... which is a long time in transporter terms. I know this concept was well used in the Star Trek Television series and movies, but I understand that Acura has changed the matter reconverger and it works much better.

These vehicle options will cost a little extra, but I think they'll be worth the cost. I think my trips on the highway will be so much better. I can't wait to push that button on the dashboard for the first time and light up the highway... or is it pull the lever to light up the highway?. I better read those warning labels again.